i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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