the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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