Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
