Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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