His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
