My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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