no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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