Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
