Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
