the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
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