I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
