Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wish you could order shots online.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
