Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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