Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
