i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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