They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
