Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
