I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
