So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
