I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
