you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
