just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
