The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
