Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
