Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize