Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
