Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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