i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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