I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I met the friendliest cop last night
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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