When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
