I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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