It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
