Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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