she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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