you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
