i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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