Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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