it's too hot outside to masturbate.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
