wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
