I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
