I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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