just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
