Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
