Sponge bath it is.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
