My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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