My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
