some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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