I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Randomize
