My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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