I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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