i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize