Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
