girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
