Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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