The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
