The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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