I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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